I’m undecided if I’m going to end this blog right now? There is just a lot going on in my life right now I feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment. During my life on this planet I can honestly say I’ve had about two or three real friends I could confide in or talk to. I wonder do real friends even exist? And if friendship is real does it really matter? After all we only have is ourselves right? I have one “friend” right now but I realize that I should not tell him my problems or make him worry about me. He has his own life to live and he also has his own quandaries as well.
Let’s face it everyone has problems in life and I am not different then anyone else. If you’re read my book “You Don’t Know Me” or various articles I’ve written you will know the kinds of problems I’ve had. My life is far from glamorous that’s for sure.
Right now I think I am suffering from depression? Yes, I went to the doctor and yes I’ve been on anti depressants in the past but I didn’t find it very helpful. I understand in life people “change” and you either need new experiences or they do? I can say that I’ve had plenty of “acquaintances”. Sometimes I think I “expect” too much from people or people expect “too” much from me? I’m not the kind of person that gets “emotionally” involved with “a lot of people”. Sure, I can talk to people but I definitely don’t trust people that’s sure. I don’t even trust immediate family members that’s a fact.
Also, right now I’m questioning a lot of things in my life right now. I have a BA degree yet I feel worthless? I don’t know what to do right now? I’ve been to career counselling, workshops, and I feel the people in these workshops or career counselling centers only care about getting paid. I find there attitudes extremely insincere but that’s just my personal opinion.
It seems in society now one university degree isn’t enough? Should I return to school? I so don’t want to go back to school? I’m upset about a lot of things. For instance, I thought I would be more successful in life right now and I’m definitely not where I want to be. I can’t seem to find a writing job? I’ve tried everything.
Its the dilemma of being a Canadian. Although Canada is a prosperous country Canada is in some ways like a prison. Has anyone ever watched Canadian television lately? If you’ve ever watched Canadian television or paid attention to the Canadian arts you will notice how unimportant the “arts” are in this country.
Another thing I find so “irritating” is the pretentious “snobbish” attitude of the Canadian publishing and writing industry. I cannot stress how “pretentious” it is. Also, its very small. Canada only has about thirty literary agents. Yes, I’ve bought the American Writer’s Market book and it seems that’s the way I’m going to have to go. I don’t know why some Americans think Canada is like mars or something? The thing about Canada is everything is “imported” here. The entertainment, arts sector of Canada is in dire straits and I’m serious. In Canada, all the TV shows, all the movies, are all American. Even most of the theatre plays here are “American”.
The arts are at the bottom of the ladder in Canada. Canada is all about the status quo. The only people that get their work published, produced, or whatever are the same people its a constant vicious cycle. I cannot remember how horrible the Toronto theatre scene is right now. My goodness, every single black theatre play is about slavery, or about some black person from the nineteenth century? Its like what about the present? As I have told you I’ve written a play and I want to get it produced. Anybody that reads my blog and knows anything about the theatre business if you have any tips let me know? Am I wasting my time entering my play into theatre competitions?
What about now? I’m tired of wasting my time here. There is nothing going on in Canada right now. Canada is so dry I’m serious.I’m not suggesting Americans don’t have thoughts about their arts scene not being as good as it could be. My perspective is though there are so much more arts opportunities down there then here. One of the things I admire about America despite its serious social problems is the abundance of opportunities for artists. Arts is viewed as important in America there are so many arts organizations yet here in Canada there is hardly anything at all.
The Canadian writing industry is pathetic its so small. Basically, all there is Toronto and that’s it. I feel like I was born in the wrong country. I should of left Canada years ago. Now I feel like I am trapped here as though I am suffocating.
I looked at the Media Bistro website and there are numerous writing jobs but its pretty difficult for an American company to hire a Canadian given the fact America is paranoid about immigration right now. I’ve been having feelings of despair. I’m not going to harm myself or anything like that but I’ve been in a rotten mood the last couple of days. I haven’t gone on a date in how long? I don’t even remember anymore its been a few years. I’m focusing on “helping” and “improving” myself right now. I think maybe I should end this blog? I mean does anyone really read what I have to say anyway? And do my thoughts and ideas really make a difference?
Your blog is fucking important (excuse the obscenities). Blogging does take a lot out of a person of course and if you feel like you can’t do it anymore, your readers will understand but where is this coming from? Have you reached a crossroads? Ultimately you are the only one who can answer that question. However, as a reader of your blog, it is fucking brilliant. I love the issues you bring up and I adore the way you dissect them. You bring a different perspective and that’s what you should continue to bring (if you want to).
I don’t know a whole lot about Canada since I am stuck here in Bristol, England but what I do know is friendships are a minefield. Always keep your eyes open and trust your instincts about people.
Hello Aulelia, thank you so much for the kind words! You are right blogging definitely does take a lot out of a person. Its nice to know that you like my writing. I love your blog charcoal Ink! The topics you discuss are very interesting too! I only started to blogging this year. I think I jumped “too soon” in “writing” what I was thinking. What is Bristol England like? I know this sounds corny but isn’t the trip hop artist Tricky from Bristol? Is Bristol close to London? Of course I won’t end my blog. I don’t know why I wrote what I wrote? I guess I was having one of those “bad mood” days. You are an inspiration! Right now in my life things aren’t going well? Maybe I should of just kept my feelings to myself? I don’t know? I think sometimes writing is a form of therapy for me. I’m feeling a bit better today emotionally.
nice layout change!
Tricky is indeed from Bristol! So cool that people outside UK know about him. I think you should keep your head up and keep writing. I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t write!
Hi Aulelia, I’m glad you like the layout change thanks for the kind words!
I discovered your blog a while ago from an article posted on the espn tennis board. I always look forward to reading your takes for in many instances they are along the same lines as mines.
I am really surprised at your frustration with your writing opportunities. I live in Montreal where it is real sufferation to be a Black english writer. I always wanted to contact you for advice and possible contacts, believing that TO is the place to be.
A wise man once said, “Once you create you cannot be denied.” I have found that to be untrue. Those with the power to discriminate can deny. Nonetheless, you got to try and keep the faith, for at the end of the day its your dreams that will give you the strength to fight against the isms and skisms.
Peace!
Writing is color blind, writing is full of words, if you write continue to write and go after your dreams; people can discriminate all they want but no one can take away your mind or your words; I have published 11 fiction books via xlibris.com, I write one novel and a short story collection a year, I am not famous, no one knows who I am but why do I write? I write because I can, because I enjoy it, because I love writing, I write because I love words and I love writing. Keep chasing your dreams!
Hello thank you for the words of encouragement I really appreciate it. I hope you will continue to visit my blog and read my blog entries. I also thank you for taking the time to post a comment on my blog. I’m definitely not giving up my dreams of being a writer. My work has been published internationally because I realized why should I waste my time trying to get published here? There are very few writing opportunities in English speaking Canada right now. Since I’m a very outspoken person some people can’t handle the truth and what I have to say. I started this blog out of frustration but also a way to get my voice heard to the international community. There is a facade that Canada isn’t racist and that is definitely not true. Toronto is not some multicultural paradise and the racism against black people here in English speaking Canada is very real. I suggest reading the blog entries I wrote in August 2007 in the archives of my blog to get a better understanding of my perspective. Yet you will hardly ever read in the Toronto print or broadcast media about the undercurrents of racism against people of African descent. Its the total hypocrisy of the Toronto mainstream media here. The bias and prejudice against black people is simply incredible. And since I don’t write to the status quo I have managed to get my work published internationally in other countries. The frustration is very real but I definitely am not giving up. Toronto is not that great I mean have you looked at the Toronto media lately? I think the Toronto Star has one token black writer Royson James. And I think in the broadcast media there are a few other token minorities but they all follow the status quo. A lot of the racism in Canada is covert not overt.
I suffer form depression too. And Seasional Affective Disorder, so I dont know how you do it, living in Canada nshyt. Gettin all dark n cold all ealry nshyt, lol. I think you should keep blogging. Your words do matter, they do have relevance and signifigence. Come on over ot my blog and see what Ive been trying to do to keep from going crazy!
L
You are right about Canada’s pathetic support of the arts. I’ve finally decided to get the hell out of here myself. America is impossible to get into though. If I were you, I’d research your entire family history…parents, grandparents…see if you’re entitled to any sorts of ancestry visas or passports. You might be surprised. At almost 30 years of age, I figured out I was entitled to full citizenship of another country. So, I’m going. Also, if you’re young (under 25 or 30), you can get temporary Visas to work in other countries for a year or two. You can also get into Asian countries like Taiwan or Japan by teaching English. The pay isn’t great, but those jobs are relatively easy to get. There are ways of getting out of Canada. I think once you make concrete plans to leave, you’ll start feeling better. And even if you have to come back one day, you might have a whole different perspective on it.
This all sounds very Canadian! Cheer up. I think it’s time you took a trip to the mountains of Guatemala or Chiapas, Mexico and live/work there for a while so you can put the ’shitty’ life in Canada into some real human perspective. I don’t think they have even heard of seasonal affective disorder there!
Good luck!
Hello there, I’m an American expat who moved to Canada last summer to get out of the USA after 8 years of Bush/Cheney and how fucked up the USA has gotten. I’m in Toronto now….rotting…and have never been to bored in my entire life! So I totally sympathize with your thinking Canada is a bore. I’m so disappointed in Toronto, it is so drab and lifeless–and expensive. I was teaching ESL in Prague before moving here…now I’m thinking of moving back to Europe. I just like Europe better, people there are more interesting, more energetic. I can’t put my finger on it, but there is this blandness to Canada. Where is the spirit? Where is the energy to these people? Right now I’m developing an exit strategy to get out of Toronto and Canada. Good luck, you’re right Canada is a really boring place. I hope you find a better place where you are happy.
Just returned from a two week trip to Canada and can’t stop yawning at the experience, what a boring place. Never a good meal anywhere or a real coffee. Tim Hortons coffee is like three day old instant and Cora’s is still a greasy spoon even with the fruit and even the so called up market places are really mundane with poor quality food.
The driving experience says it all, four or six lanes all doing 45mph in the same poorly built GM cars lane to lane with driving skills that spell instant death on European roads.
Not only that but they end their sentences in “also” or “besides” in anticipation of something better.
Verdict on Canada, possibly one of the most boring places on earth.
Well I have been to vancouver several times but not to canada yet, but I will be there soon in edmonton a.b. so I will see if it is boring or not.
get out of canada, move to LA when the economy is back on it’s feet. keep your head up
Interesting read, to say the least! As you consider and ponder a possible future to the south, I, on the other hand, ponder the same possible future, but to the north. Perhaps, we could trade places or make a reality show out of it.
In the early and mid part of the 20th century, one of the treatments for Asthma was to relocate. A knew geographical location seemed to work wonders. The problem with relocation-therapy, doctors soon found out, was the benefits of a new location would eventually fade – some sooner, others later. You see, asthma is an “allergy” disease. A new climate works until the sufferer develops allergies to their locale. They almost always do.
So what does all this allergy/asthma crap have to do with anything. There’s usually a honeymoon effect with relocation (or temporary relief for allergy sufferers) followed by the same numbing/boring/monotonous/aching/frustrating….etc feelings AGAIN. Bottom line, relocation, oftentimes, is “band-aid” therapy that treats only the symptoms of the ailments of asthma and discontent. Live anywhere long enough, both come back. Treat the disease, whatever it may be, not the symptoms……..!!
Interesting read, to say the least! As you consider and ponder a possible future to the south, I, on the other hand, ponder the same possible future, but to the north. Perhaps, we could trade places or make a reality show out of it.
In the early and mid part of the 20th century, one of the treatments for Asthma was to relocate. A knew geographical location seemed to work wonders. The problem with relocation-therapy, doctors soon found out, was the benefits of a new location would eventually fade – some sooner, others later. You see, asthma is an “allergy” disease. A new climate works until the sufferer develops allergies to their locale. They almost always do.
So what does all this allergy/asthma crap have to do with anything. There’s usually a honeymoon effect with relocation (or temporary relief for allergy sufferers) followed by the same numbing/boring/monotonous/aching/frustrating….etc feelings AGAIN. Bottom line, relocation, oftentimes, is “band-aid” therapy that treats only the symptoms of the ailments of asthma and discontent. Live anywhere long enough, both come back. Treat the disease, whatever it may be, not the symptoms……..!!